One of the main trainings in Buddhism is the teaching of non-confirmation.
Have you ever talked with a really developed human being?
Someone who has spent hours and months and years looking at their own mind and sitting quietly?
Someone who has faced themselves over and over and over again?
Someone who has been formally trained in letting go of the self-referential points that fortify ego?
Someone who has spent a fair amount of time alone with themselves?
Well, one of the main things you notice about these types of people is that they generally don’t respond affirmatively to every little thing you are saying.
There is often a non-response. There is lots of space in the conversation and in the air around them. It can make you a little uncomfortable and disoriented at first.
This is because in Buddhism, we are training in letting go of needing to be constantly confirmed and confirming others.
Needing to be confirmed and confirming others takes on lots of different forms.
For example, you call someone up and vent about an unjust situation and the person you are calling says, Ya that sucks, that’s terrible, you’ve been wronged.
Or you have 5,000 followers on Twitter and you think, Yes, I am doing it right, people like me!
Or you post a blog and the traffic is low and you think I suck, I”ll never get anywhere, no one likes me.
As human beings, we are constantly wanting to know that we are okay. We are constantly checking through a million distractions and games to see if we are okay and if we still exist.
Social Media can turn into a huge arena and trap of ego-aggrandizement.
It’s a fine line between genuinely supporting people’s work and swimming around in the same pond over and over patting each other on the back.
A You rub my back and I’ll rub yours and Aren’t we terrific and Isn’t it yummy here in the land of Glad-Handing kind of thing.
The reason this motivation and behavior, which is often not apparent to us, is such a bad idea is because it really limits you from your full potential.
You sell yourself short when you spend so much time wanted to be confirmed.
The way you sell yourself short is that when you care so much about being noticed and popular and posing as some sort of something important etc, is that your most authentic creative work can’t come forth,a nd you can’t ever really know yourself.
The muse doesn’t give a hooey what the dominant paradigm thinks or wants and will not appear to you when your focus is not deeply and soley with yourself.
That’s why subversiveness and rebelliousness are two prized values of the artist. The artist trust themselves above all else. The artist rejects herd mentality from the get-go.
The way confirmation and the popularity/clique motivation/behavior works is that it prevents you from ever really getting to the authentic indestructible amazing diamond that is underneath all of that.
We become types of parrots instead of eagles.
It’s a bit like eating junk food instead of whole foods. It tastes maybe good and fun in the moment, but it can never nourish and develop and sustain the body. (Although after eating whole foods, junk food tastes terrible and the same is true for the subject of this post–confirmation never feels as good as the real thing of existing outside the realm of praise and blame.)
If you want to really rock your work, spend less time working the room and more time creating work that really serves.
Find some new ponds to swim in. Interact with new people. Keep expanding. Resist the comfort zone.
Forget high school. Try being a solo act while involved in a social world. We need more people willing to take this kind of risk.
We’ve got enough of everyone who wants to be popular. Aim for something else.
{ 83 comments }
This is excellent, so true. I enjoyed reading this.
As a Jazz musician I try to express myself in music with honesty and detachment. When being creative – either while playing or composing – the minute you try to play the way you think people want you to, or if you say to yourself “I have to sound more like one of the great players” you immediately lose the power of your own individual expression and your playing sounds tired, mediocre and uninspired. (We’ve all heard playing that seems to start nowhere and go nowhere) If you obey the ego’s desperate demands to be loved and revered you will be led straight to self-doubt, insecuriy and cut off from your own creativity.
Bindu,
I appreciate how you say so eloquently many of the thought threads that have been whispering to me over the last 6 months. I have been feeling a real pull to withdraw from my social channels in many ways – yet appreciate the power of the channel at the same time. I like how you put it here:
“The muse doesn’t give a hooey what the dominant paradigm thinks or wants and will not appear to you when your focus is not deeply and soley with yourself.”
Amy
Bindu, thank you for this ! It was just what I needed today while having moments of doubt about doing things a different way. Your words are ringing clean and clear for me. I will stand tall, go forth and show the world all that I have to offer – my way.
I’m torn a bit on this one, Bindu. Even the act of commenting on your post, of course, is confirming or not confirming. This makes me smile . . . I love paradoxes.
I like what you say here: It’s a fine line between genuinely supporting people’s work and swimming around in the same pond over and over patting each other on the back.
Every person needs support and encouragement. Those of us who are trying to create and express ourselves probably need even more. The flip side is true as well: Approaching this in an I’ll-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine way or striving to be one of the cool kids on Twitter (who gets to decide that, anyway?), those kinds of things can be seductive and certainly detract from art and authenticity.
I think it comes down to intention and then action.
Great observation Bindu! You put into words something that’s been bothering me for a while, but that I couldn’t put a finger on.
This inspires me to do more of what I’ve always known I’m supposed to do — that is, CREATE.
Yep.
(And yes, that’s a confirmation.)
This really spoke to me today as I am one of those people constantly looking for confirmation that what I am doing with my art (and even my work) is important, liked, and appreciated. Living in world like this is extremely exhausting yet hard to let go of. I am inspired to let go of this need for confirmation and let my creative juices flow whichever way they choose, not caring if the end result is good or bad by anyone else’s standards, even my own judgmental perfectionist within. I find this line to be so incredibly true, “The muse doesn’t give a hooey what the dominant paradigm thinks or wants and will not appear to you when your focus is not deeply and soley with yourself.”
Thank you for sharing these insights that I think are so important. What the Buddhist approach suggests, in layman’s terms, is to be an emotional grown-up! And, develop some perspective, too. I so agree that folks are looking for affirmation and agreement. Sometimes, too,a non-affirming, non-denying, simply factual or questioning response to a social media post brings out the most surprising–yes, still surprising–passive-aggressive response.
What a study social media is! I invite you to join in and contribute to my blog at SowPeace.com . Your insights there would be most welcome.
i just love receiving your “stuff” bindu. this was just great!!!! Thanks
It’s helpful, somewhat, to feel a bit on the outside. Less to lose? Or just more used to doing your thing solo? Not sure. Or just the freedom of a beginner maybe. I love this post so much. I’m not sure that being popular is where I’m heading or want to head, but instead, to reach the people who I can help in some way. The smaller act of creating something that makes someone feel less alone feels like a good thing. I’ll aim for this. Thank you Bindu!
This was powerful. I struggle with this alot. How to unplug. How to truly connect with others. How to network when networking is called for. How to just create. And how to keep from mimicking.
In the end, I just need a calmer mind. Acupuncture has done wonders!
The founder of CD baby, Derek Sivers, has a really fascinating ebook on what it takes to self-promote as a musician. He comes right out and says that business is largely about high school. A popularity contest.
This really spoke to me – “We become types of parrots instead of eagles.” So true. Reminds me I need to focus on my inner self, my creative journey and stop waiting to see what everyone else is doing.
Full disclosure: I was eating a pop tart while I read this.
Are you saying that when we ask for confirmation, desire it, crave it, we’re using someone outside ourselves to try to fulfill something that is best fulfilled from within?
I can completely concur with that.
Are you also saying that there is no room for confirmation at all? Is there a space to hold one another? Is there a line?
Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/0dqv0d3 great meditation on space and need for acceptance from @binduwiles
AMEN! I was nodding my head in agreement while reading this whole post.
I love your line: “It’s a fine line between genuinely supporting people’s work and swimming around in the same pond over and over patting each other on the back.” So true! Thanks for such an inspirational post, Bindu!
~Piper
RT @stillmansays: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/0dqv0d3 great meditation on space and need for acceptance fro …
I used to think that others had to recognize my work in order for it to be validated. Now, however, I feel deeply that it reaches the individuals it needs to reach, whether that be 1, 12 or 1000. I no longer question what I create and just accept the creative process for what it is…a form of expression. Why should that ever need to be validated by anyone but yourself? You feel, you create, you release…it’s that simple.
How much irony, then, lies in being “confirmed” as someone’s friend on Facebook? It’s kind of perfect. Even the Buddha might shake his head and reach for a pop tart…
I used to share my thoughts through myspace posts. Over the course of two-years, I would get about 1 hit a day, maybe 2. Then last year, I was involved in a serious accident and a friend of a friend came to visit me in the hospital. She was so thrilled to be there for me, because she said reading my posts (during the time I thought no one was reading them) inspired and spoke to her. She said I wrote about things that she had thought about, but that she felt she couldn’t express. She now lives on a beautiful farm secluded from city life and blogs about her experiences. Now, I read her posts and don’t make my presence known. We don’t have to confirm anything to be inspired. It’s been a beautiful trade.
@binduwiles I want to be an eagle not a parrot. Love the post Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/dgZP4DN
Herds, groupthink and self http://s.nodecity.com/mirrors @binduwiles nails it! #wakeup
Love this from @binduwiles Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/UaGQZuY
Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/yMkphd2
Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/Pbg2GQg
LOVELY post by @BinduWiles // Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/HU55zYg
Insightful from #BinduWiles – Is Social Media High School all over again? http://bit.ly/eAKbW8
Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/2bNeEv8
“@CreativFire: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/Pon2zrc” // Yes.
Really powerful @lex_garey! Thx: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/0JUHQGt
Is Social Media High School All Over Again? "The Awakened Life" — http://t.co/iYlhNL9
When you care so much about being noticed & popular, your most authentic creative work can’t come forth http://bit.ly/hi63tB via @binduwiles
RT @kristinlow: Really powerful @lex_garey! Thx: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/0JUHQGt
Yup. What she said, so eloquently: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://bit.ly/i4nzMg From @binduwiles
To write from our own point of view without anticipating how it will be received. Ahhhhh…. those were the days. That’s how I created as a kid. For my own expression. That’s why I paint: No expectations! I can be like a monkey with a paint brush and you can’t criticize me, because it’s not my medium.
“If you want to really rock your work, spend less time working the room and more time creating work that really serves.”
I’m getting there…. thanks to your encouragement. Will I ever detach enough to not care about the response? Maybe in a couple more lifetimes.
RT @amyoscar: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://bit.ly/i4nzMg f/ @binduwiles / clear, good, & true
thank you for this article. made a great impact on me and I will share with my teams.
A most excellent post and one I find myself living in this over saturated social media arena. Going it alone is a great way to meet new people.
@binduwiles "Spend less time working the room and more time creating work that really serves." http://t.co/UCJDLHL (BOOM!)
RT @creativelycrazy: @binduwiles "Spend less time working the room and more time creating work that really serves." http://t.co/UCJDLHL
Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/bnXiAoA
Bindu Wiles: "spend more time creating work that really serves" Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/oR6yQG6
RT @DanielleLaPorte: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? from @binduwiles http://t.co/SA9plJV
Find new ponds to swim in. RT @DanielleLaPorte: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? from @binduwiles http://shar.es/3Zzsg
"If you want to really rock your work, spend less time working the room and more time creating work that really… http://fb.me/I9pco6uh
Reconciling a peaceful mind with the attention demanding atmosphere of Social Media. Buddhist oriented. http://me.lt/5XVv
RT @DanielleLaPorte: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? from @binduwiles http://t.co/SA9plJV
Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/g7LGN8d
RT @sewmamasew: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3ZiFz Love this. Every artist should think about this one!
RT @sewmamasew: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/g7LGN8d
RT @DanielleLaPorte: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? from @binduwiles http://t.co/SA9plJV
RT @figtreeandco: RT @sewmamasew: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3ZiFz Love this. Every artist should think …
RT @sewmamasew: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3ZiFz >> good points.
Thank you for sharing. Very insightful. RT @sewmamasew Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://t.co/g7LGN8d
RT @daniellelaporte: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? from @binduwiles http://t.co/SA9plJV #go!
RT @figtreeandco @daisyjanie RT @sewmamasew: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3ZiFz
RT @AboveAllFabric: RT @figtreeandco @daisyjanie RT @sewmamasew: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3ZiFz
RT @figtreeandco: RT @sewmamasew: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3ZiFz Love this. Every artist should think …
RT @impulsivearts Very insightful article: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://ow.ly/45MRH Have pervasive fear that it is.
RT @DanielleLaPorte: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? from @binduwiles http://t.co/SA9plJV
RT @daniellelaporte: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? from @binduwiles http://t.co/SA9plJV <—SO WELL SAID + TRUE.
RT @DanielleLaPorte: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? from @binduwiles http://t.co/SA9plJV
Funny enough, this came at a time when I really needed to hear it. My business is doing horrible, I keep seeking affirmation that everything is going to be okay, that I don’t suck. But really, that’s so stifling.
Thanks for reminding me of that.
Check this out! – Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3w7F3
When you care so much about being noticed & popular, your most authentic creative work can’t come forth http://bit.ly/hi63tB RT @binduwiles
RT: Is social media High School all over again from a budhist perspective http://bit.ly/hi63tB RT @binduwiles
RT: Is social media High School all over again from a buddhist perspective http://bit.ly/hi63tB RT @binduwiles
RT @AmyOscar: Yup. What she said, so eloquently: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://bit.ly/i4nzMg From @binduwiles
Powerful and eloquent, this post rang very true for me. Now as I’m more involved in social media, there is this sense (whether conscious of it or not) of waiting for some sort of confirmation and spending too much time on it. These moments have made me loose perspective, balance and created self doubt. It’s about stopping, brushing that all away, and my social media perspective in check. It’s about being authentic and creating great work and doing it ones way that rings true and feels right!
RT @effyswild: Check this out! – Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3wI24 / Brilliant!
RT @effyswild Check this out! Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3wI24
RT @gypsy999: RT @effyswild Check this out! Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3wI24
RT @AmyOscar: Yup. What she said, so eloquently: Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://bit.ly/i4nzMg From @binduwiles
I’m struck, sometimes, by the sycophant nature of some RTs and comments that I see (on Twitter especially). It’s such a subtle difference: sharing a link because it’s truly interesting and provoking, or RTi-ng it in that way just oozes ‘sucking-up.’ It’s made me stop before pushing “send” to re-read and re-think the purpose of the tweet I’m about to send. Am I giving people something to think about? Other than me?
It *is* like high school, but maybe that’s the opportunity. If you could do high school over again, how would you do it? I’d be different, for sure, knowing what I know now. Your post asks me to look at my emotional response to being “liked” and being “followed” but rather than condemn it, to laugh at it, and then as you suggest – get back to the content. When I focus on expression rather than exhibition, it reads better, and feels better, too.
Hi Bindu
This is really timely a post for me today. It touched me deeply and depth is one of my goals this year. As we speak I am mindmapping a really satisfying map about releasing attachment to people, that I had long since started before reading this. This post gives it a little more colour.
Yes, there’s an irony to posting this I guess on the back of the observations about responding affirmatively. I’ll take it.
I learned a lot and it gave a depth to my mindmap so back to the crayons and the map and cheers for the post.
Check this out! http://shar.es/3ARU5
So true! A great post from @binduwiles – Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3iVZF
hmmmmmmmmm… yes, a paradox. Soooooooo… if I create and stay true to my own cryptic depths and heights… I wonder… wonder about the artist who dies unknown in their lifetime? only to be seen once gone. I wonder if part of what ‘the work’ is with this new social media, is instead of isolation in trueness to oneself, is to reach out, create a bridge, connect to Other, and make that meaingFULL as well as art for art’s sake. Its tricky. I have crawled out of the underworld, now ready to extrovert my work. I want people to understand. How much do I change to achieve that bridge?
Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3Qzu7
Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://ow.ly/4hQjE
Excellent, so true! – Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3R5FI via @binduwiles
RT @paperclipfox: Excellent, so true! – Is Social Media High School All Over Again? http://shar.es/3R5FI via @binduwiles
Had to read this again. Felt like I was starting to slip… http://binduwiles.com/is-social-media-high-school-all-over-again/
RT @mykeldixon: Had to read this again. Felt like I was starting to slip… http://binduwiles.com/is-social-media-high-school-all-over-a …
Amazing post on the value of non-response by @BinduWiles – http://shar.es/HH7Lb