Today’s post is a mash-up of teachings I have received over the years from Zen teacher Cheri Huber, and Tibetan Buddhist teachers, John and Natalie Baker.
Let’s say that you feel like you have been less than kind to someone, or flew off the handle, or didn’t act your usual relaxed self, or were triggered in an interaction with someone.
Or, someone is in your face or on the phone screaming at you saying all kinds of things that really hurt. Try as you may to shake them, they linger and you play them over and over in your head.
Later (years or days), upon reflection, you start hearing a voice inside your head that says, “You know, that was pretty harsh. You could have done that a lot better. You could have been gentler, and you actually know better than that. You better get your act together before you alienate everyone and end up alone.”
Or, in the case it’s someone yelling at you, the voice inside your head goes, “You know, they’re right. I’m never going to be able to get my act together. I’m never going to ……(fill in the blank).
The voice goes on, “I’m just telling you this for your own good. I’m telling you this because I want you to be a good person–kinder, happier, peaceful. Don’t you want all those things? (and in my particular case; I thought you were a Buddhist, Hasn’t all that therapy gotten you anywhere?) And anyway, when are you finally going to learn this lesson? Seems like you’ve been repeating this one for a lot of years.”
This is what is known as ‘Constructive Critiscim’ and it is a scam. It is run by people who want to beat you up. They want to tell you things about yourself because they believe they are doing it for your own good.
The voices you hear inside your head are not yours.
It is a worthwhile challenge to sort through all the voices we have in our head to find out and hear, our own voice. The voice of our True Nature.
Here’s a hint about your own true voice; it has not a HINT of criticism.
In fact, if the voice is not speaking compassionately to you, it has nothing worthwhile to tell you.
Everything you need to know will come to you in compassion.
{ 21 comments }
Thanks for the guidance Bindu. There actually has been some things on my mind lately and I’m not sure how to make the voices go away. (Gosh, that sounded too ominous. It’s my own voice, not evil spirits.)
My situation is I keep replaying embarrassing moments from my past. Some things that happened a few months ago some years. But I keep going over them, replaying them and I do one of two things: I either think of what I should have said or done, or I just think, that was really stupid. Why did you do that?
I usually shake it off (sometimes by literally shaking my head) and move on but it bothers me that it keeps coming up even years later. I have thought, well, maybe I’m supposed to learn something from this. But mostly it just makes me feel bad about myself.
.-= Siddhartha´s last blog ..Do You Have a Phone? I Need to Take a Picture =-.
I have had many struggles in my head over the past 12 years since my accident. They get so loud sometimes that I wish I could just get up and do something (physical). But I’ve also learned that those voices in my head have been vital to my emotional healing and dealing with daily challenges. They bring on tears, anger, resentment, bitterness, frustration at times. But I have learned that those feelings are so necessary in order for me to experience happiness, joy, love, contentment and most especially peace. I found that the voices in my head gave me strength to cope with life as a quadriplegic, they build character and they make me strong. And sometimes when I’m really feeling alone they keep me company. *Smile*
A lovely post, thank you Bindu!
.-= Tracy Todd´s last blog ..I Am a Horse =-.
Where is that “LIKE” button?
only takes a decade or so to learn all that drama in the head ain’t personal and is just a show … then it disappears
Bindu…
I sort of feel sand-bagged. What you have said sounds so reasonable that I KNOW you are right when you say…
The voices you hear inside your head are not yours.
and…
Here’s a hint about your own true voice; it has not a HINT of criticism.
You have solved a big riddle for me today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
It is a pleasure to ready you.
Dagny
I absolutely adore what you wrote here. I have never read or heard that constructive criticism is a scam, but now that I’m reading that I love it and I agree. And thank you for reminding me that the only voice worth listening to and the only good information will come with compassion. True dat. xoxo
wide open gorgeous and essential.
thanks for this.
A little kernel of understanding just popped in my brain and it is delicious. Thanks for the heat.
I needed to read this today.
My true me loves me with compassion.
.-= Helen Jane´s last blog ..A zoom zip =-.
Love it, Bindu.
I try to dismiss/release all head voices – even ones that seem positive. I want neither self-punishment nor self-aggrandizement. I just want clarity.
In my experience that comes from the heart, not the head. It shows up first not as a thought, but as a feeling. And as you say, it always tastes of love.
Beautiful! I love Cheri Huber’s work and you put it beautifully, here!
Thank you so much. I was referred to your blog by a friend and got shivers down my spine reading this post. This is exactly what I have been struggling with in the past 3 weeks or actually my life. It’s just been very in my face lately. I will be bookmarking your blog and checking back often. Many blessings to you!
I adore this: “Here’s a hint about your own true voice; it has not a HINT of criticism.” Hear that? It’s the sound of angels singing.
Thank you.
“Everything you need to know will come to you in compassion.”
What a brilliant filter this is. For everything. Wild thanks.
I needed this! Thanks SOOOO much!
.-= Shawna Cevraini´s last blog ..Just Do IT! =-.
i came upong your post almost by accident today and the universe is a pretty funny place. If you ask it for answers, they come. My answers to some steep second guessing questions were answered by your words. thank you. peace.
this was so beautiful, Bindu, thank you. Love is always the answer. If it’s not Love, it’s not the answer.
.-= Lana Kravtsova´s last blog ..Sex and Money – Two Of The Most Powerful Tools For Conscious Growth …Are They? =-.
I agree with Megan, I’ve been handed some much-needed answers lately.
And your post prompted me to apologize to someone for delivering some unsolicited ‘constructive criticism’.
Thank you for this.
Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. Delicious, Bindu. The work of trusting our own internal (as well as external) voice is massive. I’m learning though. As I do, it becomes less and less quiet and reserved; it shouts, it roars, it proclaims. And it is good, kind, and resonant with deep truth. As is yours. Thank you.
.-= Ronna´s last blog ..The Alchemy of Conversation =-.
Holy smokes, I needed to hear/read/see this today. So stunning and simple. Those voices can get so loud they drown out truth. Thank you for providing some ear muffs.
this one is marked “favorite.”