I am someone who feels a lot of fear in life. I feel afraid A LOT.
Yesterday was exactly that kind of day. A scary one.
It started out with my little dog Rumi. She is the love of my life and I am unreasonably attached to her. I just love her so much. She has been with me for 12 years so far, and has been an incredible influence and companion in my life where I often feel an overwhelming sense of being alone.
I took her out to pee and her urine was full of blood and then there was blood on the sidewalk. My heart started racing and when we got back upstairs, I was full-blown crying. I called a friend right away who is as unreasonable about her dog as I am, and she calmed me down and slowed my racing mind.
I don’t know how I’ll get through it when it’s her time to leave this world. I really don’t. Just writing that, there is a change in my physical body. (If you want to see her picture, click on My Story in my nav bar).
I’m sure it’s just a bladder or UTI infection and we are heading back to the Vet today, but I feel really afraid of the loss of her at some point in the future.
The other thing that happened yesterday, is that I was being attacked all day by someone who had been triggered.
This is never an easy experience. In general I feel I am bad and wrong all the time. That things are my fault. So it is a tricky situation when this happens fro me not to have a confidence meltdown.
I’ve worked with fear in a focused way over the last 10 years or so in therapy. I ‘ve been working with my PTSD flight/fight/freeze response that kicks in to overdrive in about 1 second.
Here are some of the things I’ve learned about fear:
* Use the breath to come back into the present moment. When you realize you have been triggered, take a few deep calming breaths to slow things down in your limbic system.
* An extremely large portion of the intense fear we feel in inter-personal relationships is not about what is happening in the present, but is about what is happening in the past. It’s as if we have seen a ghost. And we think it’s real. I cannot emphasize enough how vital it is to reconcile and heal the past. I could say it to people over and over until the day I die. Healing your individual past is a way to world peace.
* We think our feelings about a given situation are so intense that they will kill us, so in order to avoid those scary feelings, we act out in ways that we think will make us feel better. It never works. EVER. We may think it works, because threatening people and punishing them, intimidating them, pulling some weird power card, or telling them what to do and how to do it, can feel for awhile, better. But that’s not really working with our fears, that’s just projecting our crap onto someone else. And then they get to feel afraid. It’s the old passing the buck scam.
* Fear is extremely intelligent. Fear is there for a reason. Fear is not the enemy. It is a signifier that something is not right, or that we need to take care of ourselves in a particular situation.
* When we are afraid, we are immediately in touch with our soft spot. That vulnerable part of us that is our most beautiful spot and the one from which all compassion flows. So we are not trying to “toughen up” as I was told my entire childhood. Instead we are cultivating a strength and willingness to be with our soft spot and not cover it over, but to tend to it like an incredible mother would care for her helpless and vulnerable child.
* Friends on the path of working with fear, are the jewel of life. I have about five people who have got me so firmly right now by the hand, that I can actually look at what is going on and make incredibly transforming choices and take enlightened action. Launching 21.5.800 has all sorts of scary things attached to it. But with these friends right beside me who are helping to support me practically as well as emotionally and professionally, I am able to face my fears and have the glorious opportunity to act differently, which changes the fear-response habit.
Companions who are dedicated from the heart to your sanity is the single most powerful thing to cutting the cords of habitual patterns that hurt you and others.
So today for day 4 of 21.5.800 lets write 800 words about fear.
What are you afraid of?
What are your fear responses?
How can you engage fear in a more genuine way?
In what ways do you act out toward others or yourself when you are afraid?
I’m looking forward to hearing all about it if you want to share.
{ 31 comments }
“An extremely large portion of the intense fear we feel in inter-personal relationships is not about what is happening in the present, but is about what is happening in the past.” Very wise and well-stated. I agree. On sharing about fear, did I mention that’s not something we males do very well? We’d have to admit to it first…
Thanks for the prompt on fear. I was heading in that direction (writing wise and otherwise) and this got me to go there.
.-= Leanna @ Beets, Butter and Mountaintops´s last blog ..A Few Things =-.
Oh Bindu, I hope your little darling recovers soon, for his sake, as well as yours. I know exactly how you feel because I go through the same emotions with my dog William. William will turn 11 next week and has been with me since he was a puppy. He was my graduation present, this dog I had longed for ever since I could say DOG. There was only one wish for me throughout countless birthdays and it was always ‘to have a dog’. It therefore follows that, even though three years later another dog joined us, William is still that little bit extra special. And, of course, he is epileptic and has thought me countless lessons about this horrible disease. I lived in fear for many years, fear that I would hear him flapping on his side, fear that he would hurt himself during a seizure and then, bizarrely, fear that someone would spew ‘But why don’t you just put it down?’.
As things go, William is doing great, thank you very much, and never needed putting to sleep. He just needed help and care and meds and a family. He has always kept me on my toes and this is above and beyond the epi thing, Two years ago he ingested a radiator cap which made him very ill. I remember driving him to the vet with my hands shaking and my heart racing in my ears. I was then, more than ever, petrified that he would go.
Now that he is technically an older dog, although you wouldn’t know it as he looks as fresh as he did years back, sometimes I look at him and my eyes fill with tears, as they do now, just by typing about it. I feel the well-known icy sensation crawling over me, the knowledge that, one day, he will leave me because… well, that’s what we all do, we die, that includes him and me. This is a fear that I’ve yet to learn to process; the fear that I won’t be able even to contemplate my life without him because, you know, William was around when I was twenty, William was around when I was fresh and new to life, when the world offered exciting possibilities, and we went through all of them, together. He was, in fact, around, as a promise and a wish, even before he was born. Above all, I fear having to go on without him, because that’s what will have to happen, whether I like it or not.
But I guess he may still have a few lives to spare. That radiator cap I told you about earlier? They got it off him and he was fine a week later, hopping around like nothing has happened. And I was £ 2000 poorer but that’s ok, that’s what credit cards are for.
.-= Steph´s last blog ..Try This =-.
And… ehrm… sorry, I meant for HER sake, I do understand your dog is female? But, you know, start talking about poorly animals and I lose it…
.-= Steph´s last blog ..Try This =-.
oh i hear you.
i was facing fear and monsters yesterday and i blogged about it. the support i am receiving there is amazing.
being in touch with and facing the fears is so powerful.
.-= ABCcreativity´s last blog ..look out doubts, fears and monsters. you are no longer running the show here. =-.
(((prayers for Rumi))))
Totally ironic and totally appropriate post for today. I cried when I saw it. I felt yesterday grow out of proportion…I got overwhelmed with the voices and sheer volume of participants in the project, I got overwhelmed from so many hours of work, I got overwhelmed with *fear*. Your post was perfect for helping me parse it down to what needed attention first.
Blessed day to you.
.-= Tia´s last blog ..Learning to be the grown up in my relationship with fear. =-.
Your fear response to your future loss of your dog and feeling like you are always wrong are things I go through a lot. I worry like that about my son and when I worry with fear enough my chest tightens and I feel almost dizzy. I think I get so worked up I end up having an anxiety attack. I always recover on my own but there have been plenty of times I had to hang on to a wall or even considered pulling over if I was driving.
.-= C…´s last blog ..#215800 Challenge Day 1 of 21 =-.
Hey Bindu
I wrote about fear.
And I’m scared of what I wrote.
And scared that I pressed Publish.
Ironic eh?
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last blog ..What I’m scared of =-.
I signed up for your email updates yesterday. This piece on fear is the first of your writings that I’ve read, and it gave me goosebumps. You could have written this about me. Fear has dominated my life since I was a little kid, and it has kept me from really living, from really enjoying life. My fear has manifested in all kinds of ways – the fight or flight thing, panic attacks, social anxiety disorder – and I’ve been medicated in one way or another for decades. But meds only treat symptoms, not the real cause of it all. I, too, have been in therapy for years trying to control this insidious dis-ease. It’s not fun. It is a lot of hard work. I wish you all the best in your efforts. And I wish for speedy recovery for Rumi.
Bindu, I have a dog of 14 and another of 11. My cat is 18. I know that fear every day and it absolutely takes my breath. I understand.
If it’s okay with you and Rumi I’ll send her reiki in the hope that it helps. I hope you get good news soon and she’s back to full health.
Thank you for your openess of heart.
When fear wells up in me it is most often paralyzing. No fight or flight – I seriously hunker down. Writing about fear, those 800 won’t be hard to come by!
I understand the fear about your little dog. I have an 14 year old cat that I adore.
Hope all is well.
.-= Kimberley McGill´s last blog .. =-.
Bindu, what a beautiful heartfelt article. I send peace to you and strength to Rumi. I most appreciate your willingness to be authentic – showing your life for all to see, and providing such deep wisdom in your search for answers and support.
“When we are afraid, we are immediately in touch with our soft spot. That vulnerable part of us that is our most beautiful spot and the one from which all compassion flows. So we are not trying to “toughen up” as I was told my entire childhood. Instead we are cultivating a strength and willingness to be with our soft spot and not cover it over, but to tend to it like an incredible mother would care for her helpless and vulnerable child.”
This is VERY profound wisdom and I hope everyone who stops by takes a moment to contemplate this (the experience of it is life transforming – personally and in relationships):
.-= Anne Tyler Lord´s last blog ..Coffee Klatch: Challenge =-.
Gosh… you gave me shivers with those stories.
Showing yourself so open and vunerable. hats off!
And I love that your dog’s name is Rumi.
Lucky I chose today to read other people’s posts rather that write one myself.
I find it to be such a hard topic.
Blessings + so much respect for being super courageous,
BK
Blessing for your beloved companion. We are believing with you that she is going to be okay.
This is kind of my area of focus – attachment and impermanence. I was studying death and dying and grief, but after my soul mate died, I went to the Tibetan Monks for wisdom on this area of living and dying.
I recall in your bio that you loved the Buddhist way of dealing with death. This is a beautiful mindset to lean on and into in a time like this. I hope that you can find your center and your breath.
I have lit a candle for Rumi and for you.
Namaste,
Kim
Thinking of you and Rumi! I *sort of* wrote about fear yesterday too. Basically feeling a bit lost, trying to find my voice. Too much me, me, me in the post. Hoping this challenge gets me out of my head and more into my heart.
.-= Namaste_Heather´s last blog ..Finding My Voice =-.
Love for a dog is such a beautiful thing. If not for my dog ,Maya ( Her name means illusion. ), some days would be without the love connection to another for me.
Fear is a great topic.
I will write about the fear of studying.
Love and wellness,
Hilary
I usually think many writing prompts are sucky. these are divine.
I love that your dog is named Rumi. The perfect name for a dog. My puppy was named Rainer (as in Rilke) and my other dog is Hank, Henry David Jordan Scott. At first this prompt made me angry, though, probably because my knee jerk reaction is to “not focus on fear”… but oh, the juicyness that ensued and which I know will continue to ensue.
THANK YOU, thank you, how can words be enough to say THANK YOU!?
.-= Julie Jordan Scott´s last blog ..What is Up with that Freakish Desire? #215800: Show Me the Way! =-.
So many good things here. I especially like how you talk about fear being not just about what’s happening now, but what has come before.
I work as an intuitive animal communicator, and I’d be happy to have a word with Rumi if it would be helpful to you two. This writing/yoga thing has helped me so much this week, and I’d love to return the favor.
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..Crow and Mushroom, Ltd: Imaginary Therapists =-.
I hope so much that Rumi is OK. I know how you feel about your doglet. I had to give my beautiful Bichon, a girl, called Minnehaha, to a new family as I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed a dog in my apartment building. I am hoping and praying I can get her back when I go home to Ireland as I have missed her so much every day since January. I can’t even look at photos of her without crying. So I understand your feelings. Minne is my first dog and I had no idea you could fall in love like that with an animal.
By the way, in Turkey, where Rumi came from, they call him Mevlana. A beautiful name also. I hope she’s better soon. Sending healing her way and your too, of course.
Have to go write my blog post about fear now!
.-= Maya Hanley´s last blog ..Tibetan Breakfast and Ethiopian Dinner =-.
Thinking of you and Rumi right now. Hopefully you have good news by now. My beloved 12 year old Lab is likely in her last months, and its so sad.
A friend, is a friend, no matter if the friend has 2 legs or 4. (((hugs))) and love and healing to you both.
Bindu-What a thoughtful and touching post. Peaceful blessings to you and Rumi…
.-= Mary Donnery´s last blog ..Highlights of The Yoga Conference & Show–Toronto 2010 =-.
Sending you well wishes for Rumi! I have a dog who is almost 17 and everyday I wonder how much more time I have left with her. I know it will be so hard for me when it is her time but I hope I can find comfort in knowing that she enjoyed a long life of love and companionship.
Your words about fear showing us our soft spot is food for thought for me… thank you!
.-= Jenn H´s last blog ..Fear =-.
This is entirely crazy – I wrote my post today without having had a chance to read any of my RSS feed first, and I wrote about fear. Then I dropped by Alana’s blog and her post was on fear. And she mentioned yours, which was next on my list of stops anyway, and behold the theme! I have goose bumps. I’m convinced that because we are creating this community via your rockstar challenge, we may be creating a common conscience as well. Even without having read your beautiful words, there is a synchronicity.
And now I have read your words. And I am grateful. And I remember to breathe. And then I want to laugh in release. So I will.
.-= emma´s last blog ..Fear and the Tooth Fairy =-.
Thank you so much Bindu for your wonderfully honest and open writing about fear. I was so inspired by how intuitively you wrote about trauma and fear that I wrote a post about it as, being a trauma survivor myself, I understood both as a psychotherapist and a survivor, the intensity of the fear emotion post-trauma.
I feel so much for what you are going through with you puppy–my doggies are my babies–as obscenely over the human-animal line that might be (although they do not go around in a stroller…I draw the creepy dog/baby line somewhere around appropriate, I think
.
Again, thank you for your words and your astute assessment of fear and what we can learn from it. As I was speaking on trauma and the nature of fear yesterday at a Social Work Conference it felt so appropriate for me to write about my day yesterday and your post.
Thank you,
Teresa
.-= Teresa´s last blog ..Florida NASW Conference, Trauma, and Fear =-.
Hi Bindu, hope Rumi is much better now! I wrote about fear yesterday and made some interesting discoveries..also realised that writing my fears down, getting them out of my head and onto the screen, made them lose their grip on me, made me feel so much lighter and freer.
Thanks for the valuable prompt!
x
You mentioned fear and before I even had a chance to read your post fully, I went off to start writing about it. But, FEAR showed up and shut me down. It is a bugger like that. I fought with it though and think I managed to get it in a choke hold long enough to get stuff written down, on the page and out there.
Thank you a million times over Bindu, your prompt kicked my butt in the most gracious way and helped me tackle fear. Well, at least for today. I have no doubt the insidious little toe rag will turn up again.
.-= Genna´s last blog ..When anger leads to loss =-.
The synchronicity that emerges when we are open sometimes astounds me.
I did not see this post on Friday. I spent much of my day sitting with my adult daughter, holding her as she so courageously worked through her own fears. Just out of the hospital after fairly serious repair surgery (a car accident)–it was not the actual damage, the plates that had been screwed into her arm, or the bone-marrow graft that left another incision in her leg–but the encompassing “What if it isn’t going to be alright?” that terrorized her–and of course me. I sat long that night writing in my journal–not counting words–just writing about fear and life and what it means to be brave enough to say “hold me, I’m scared.”
I remember clearly what it was like to be a young child waking from night terrors, sitting in the bathroom and reading. Reading whatever book I had until I couldn’t hear my heart pound anymore. Sharing fear, asking to be held certainly is a better way.
I wish for all of us to come to believe that even when we are alone with our fear, we are still one in the experience. And it is really always better when you can hold someone’s hand. http://www.indiainktattoo.com/
.-= J. Fuchs-Musgrave´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.
That was a really moving and helpful post. Thank you
.-= Rhiannon´s last blog ..Exhibition Video – Islands and Cities – plus postcard giveaway. =-.
Thank you for sharing your fears. And for saying that fear is attached to launching 21.5.800. I read so many blogs by so many inspiring women and men that I forget they are people with fears too, among their hopes and dreams. I was reminded of a poem I loved years ago and had almost forgotten: “I release you, fear” by Joy Harjo. Here she is performing the poem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPoQxt5x0QQ
Your prompt to write about fear was like in yoga class when the teacher prompts you to go to your least favorite pose, the one you really need. I found this challenge randomly on the day it started and created a blog. I’d been thinking about writing for a while but hadn’t done anything with it – guess I was kind of scared to put my words out there and needed a good excuse to do something with them, so thank you thank you for inspiring me to start a new project. In terms of fear, I wrote about the question that sounds so easy but it so freaking hard: will you choose fear? will you choose love?
.-= Emily´s last blog ..fermata =-.